Browning Dirt

Sun

I just read a blog recently about the dreams a young mom has when her children grow up and leave home- vacations, new furniture, a full nights sleep etc. When I was a "young" mom I couldn't even fathom the absence of my kids. I'd look forward to each summer so my school aged children would spend more time at home again. As my kids grew into teenagers Kevin started to dream mostly of our time together, oh yes, and quiet. Once I had 3-4 teenagers I'd crouch down and open that window, just a tiny little crack and catch a glimpse of peace that may eventually visit us again. Then I'd get scared and shut the window tight, locking it in place for a while.
Maybe I shouldn't have shut it so tight. The last couple weeks I've found myself unprepared to deal with this harsh reality. I thought I had more time. Yes, I knew I had an 18 year old son graduating from high school this year and a 17 year old son just behind him. I knew in the back of this mind of mine that college and missions were coming soon. Why didn't I chew on it all a bit more? I'm a coward, that's why. Maybe I thought if I didn't consider it, it would never happen.

Now it has, sooner than I could've imagined and I've been too blind to see through that darn window. The harsh sun is stinging and I'm tearing up. I can't see through the tears much of the time. I miss my son like crazy. And peace? Where's that glimmer of peace I caught through my little cracked window?

I have new mom worries now. Is he eating healthy (I am almost positive that's a no)? How's he getting home late at night after work with no car? Is he being wise? Are his roommates naughty? Is he keeping up with his school work? Did I teach him enough about paying bills? Does he look like a slob (he never would iron a shirt)? Is he walking to school and making it on time for early morning classes? Does he have time to do laundry? Is he sleeping or staying up all night playing play station? Is he safe? Is he working too much? I could keep going but I'll drive myself crazy(er). This has definitely not been peaceful.

Last week I spent the morning in the temple and had the most remarkable, humbling, tremendous experience I'd ever had- things I can't share, they're too sacred. But things are better, no doubt. I know in the long run things will be good, no they'll be perfect. So glad I found that peace, I thrive on it.

I still have my new mom worries, but with a new perspective. Now I can squint through all the sun coming in my window. I'm realizing it is sun. That's a good thing right? I'm going to enjoy my children and appreciate them while they're here. Last night I heard Kalten say, "Hi beautiful." to McKenna as she passed by. It's little things like that that give me joy. I love my kids. As it's time for them to leave home I'll remember the years my Heavenly Father has given me with them, of their little hands covered in PB&J, of the crickets and rocks I found in Kaltens pockets after I washed them, of the dirt that so prevalantly covered Trevin, of McKenna's wild hair, of Neicia's exhuberance of Jaides sweetness, of their fighting over who gets to sit by me and the promises of forever. I couldn't be more fortunate.