When Trevin was about 4 we were watching Rosie Odonell back in her not so weird days. She'd just adopted a little boy. Trevin said, "I think she's a good mom like you." I asked what made him think that. "Because you're both soft." (Ego boost-NOT! lol.)
A few years ago, my boss was headed to Mexico. I kept asking him to bring me back a bottle of their water. Immediate diet, no will power required, just a toilet and a lot of toilet paper. He didn't do it.
I always find myself procrastinating the diet....What's that all about? I've been thinking and it could be a few things.
1. My husband HATES it when I diet.
2. My family always say they love me the way I am.
3. I don't want to be the cause of the enormous amount of envy coming
from all you ladies when I'm so dang HOT.
4. My boobs are much bigger now.
5. If I go on a diet, lose some weight go back off of it for a couple days I seem to gain more than I lost and have even more to take off.
6. Getting rid of things like chocolate or lasagne feels like cutting
off my ear.
7. Who can eat one piece of chocolate bar? One cookie? It's enough to just make me want more. I'd rather not eat any. Then we have to refer back to #6.
8. I'm broke and I threw away my skinny clothes years ago.
9. I can only afford my fresh fruits and veggies for the first couple weeks of the month. Then I'm down to all the other fattening cheaper options.
In all seriousness, part of it's pride. I get very irritable thinking that so many women can eat foods that are good and still look great afterward. I eat things I shouldn't and at times too much of it, but I'm not as bad as some people probably think I am. I just seem to get more out of my food than some people. I rebell against the fact that I probably just shouldn't eat fattening food in the first place. My body doesn't handle it well. (or is it that it handles it too well? hmmm...)
Anyway, a few weeks ago I started going to the gym again which, luckily, is something I really enjoy. I do have this fear though of turning all my fat into muscle and looking like a female version of the Hulk. One morning a couple weeks later I decided enough was enough and resolved to cut out bad carbs and desserts. Kevin came home on his lunch break and said, "I'm taking you out to lunch." I was off the diet as soon as I was on it. I knew I could start the next day so I did. Then by 10 am the left over chocolatey brownies were calling my name. I was a gonner by noon. Every day has been like this. Resolve dissolved. Did you know once I decided to become an anorexic? By lunchtime I was too hungry to continue. I don't have the will power. (Which was probably good in that case. Lol.)
A couple weeks ago at the YMCA, an older man struck up a conversation with me about weight. He said "Those Mormons say if I'd just eat whole wheat instead of white flour I'd lose my weight." I said, "I've never heard of that, I'm a Mormon and I eat white flour." He then Vanna Whited me with his hands and said, "Well, you made my point." I walked right into that one.
You've heard people say they are a skinny person in a fat person's body. This is so me. I can even feel my abs under my layers of fat. I'm under there somewhere. Why can't I have one of those zipper suits and just crawl out. You know if I could have any super power I think I'd be a changeling. I could just live in my changed body and be the me I know I am under all this.
Not going to happen, I know. I also know this. Even though I don't feel strong when it comes to this, I know I have it in me. Losing my weight would solve so much; depression, the way I view myself and the way others see me, and I'd make my Heavenly Father pleased if I'd treat this body he gave me like a temple. And even though my family may not see it now, I know they'd be thrilled if I had more energy, looked good and kept my good health. I have a strong desire to teach my kids not only good eating habits but that sometimes we have to choose the hard way in order to do what's right. Look above at the Dumbledore quote in my header. So I guess I'm back on.....at least until Kevin offers to take me to lunch. As for the brownies, my new rule is no dessert unless it's Sunday or Monday. That's 5 days a week I can be less tortured.
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5 comments:
My husband is the mighty saboteur of my dieting. He's within 20 lbs of his goal weight, and depending on my day and ambition, I'm 50 - 100 lbs from mine. I like the South Beach diet. I've lost 30 lbs with it this year... I've been yoyoing the last five pounds for the last three months though because I lost my steam when Mike came in one day with a jar of hot fudge and two spoons. A jar of hot fudge!! And we ate it!! But if I get through the first three strict days of the South Beach diet, I never get hungry - like I have to remember to eat because I am not ever hungry - I have zero cravings, and the factory predigested (refined) carbs and unhealthy fats aren't tempting anymore. I wouldn't believe that if I hadn't experienced it myself. I bought the book, and just reading that thing motivates me enough to start. If your husband protests your diet (if you want to try it), just tell him he can eat as much steak as you guys can afford. If he's like most men, he'll jump right on board. lol
Unfortunately I can't stand meat. That diet will be out the window before....well, it already is. Thanks anyway.
I swear that I wrote that post I just read...so many of those thoughts and feelings are the same ones floating around my head. Especially with the resolve/dissolve...! I wonder to myself...If I am so depressed, or irritated at myself for gaining the weight...shouldn't it be so easy to take it off?? Sure...and then I succome to the ice cream and chocolate...
I'm lucky enough to not have had to deal with weight issues (I know, go ahead and hate my genes), but it has been years since I've been anything close to physically fit or even healthy really.
We all love you Trina, NO MATTER WHAT!
Hang in there Trina...I know you can do it! But if you decide to call it quits, I'll be the first to bring you over a plate of chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven!:) Like Cynthia said we love you no matter what!!!
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