When Age Appropriate Isn't Appropriate

A few years ago I wrote a blog on Browning Dirt about our foster son Tim 

and how I interact with him.  I've decided to re-post it here and add some new information at the end.  I'd love to hear your opinion on the subject.

Goodnight My Someone

A few weeks ago I saw something that touched my heart. We know of a sweet 23 year old girl I’ll call Joni, who’s developmentally disabled, and one of the cutest people you could meet. I was driving into Wal-Mart one morning when I saw her standing backwards on the end of a shopping cart, one arm in the air, one holding tight to the cart as her father sailed her through the parking lot, pushing the cart as fast as he could go. What I really loved was the expression on both of their faces. Pure exhilaration and joy. It was such a beautiful moment. I was glad to be a part of it, even if it was just as a spectator.

I’ve become aware, over the last couple years, of a little controversy surrounding the developmentally disabled (dd) adult community. There are some professionals who believe the MR/DD should be treated /spoken to, the same as others in their age group, giving them the opportunity to feel as their peers do - like grown ups, people who are respected and expected to learn and grow, to promote independence and achieve their highest learning potential.

Others feel that the MR/DD should be treated/ spoken to like those in their developmental age for clearer understanding, less agitating pressure, so the focus is more on the individual’s confidence and happiness rather than on performance.

I noticed these differences in his school teachers, therapists, the nurse who does home visits and then again when my sister in law, who’s the head of the special needs dept. at the school she works for in New York, visited last summer.

Some talk to Tim like he’s an adult, some like a child. His developmental stage is 18 mo’s to 3 yrs. Our family tends to talk to him more as a child than an adult. It wasn’t until my sister-in-law asked my mother-in-law why we do that and it got back to me that I thought it was an issue. Up to this point I thought it was more about the personality of the person doing the talking.

I asked Tim’s developmental behavioral doctor, which was correct? He let me know there is a controversy surrounding the issue. His personal belief, especially in Tim’s case, is the second, the way our family had been behaving toward Tim. This was his reasoning: In Tim’s case he doesn’t have the capability of becoming an independent member of society. While it’s good to have him work on a few goals, give him opportunities for new adventures and learning, the focus should be more about making sure his life is full of love and things he likes to do when possible, as long as that doesn’t get in the way of his physical care. In other words, let Tim watch Toy Story instead of pushing him to shred paper or put together a puzzle. He is different than a typical 19 yr. old who is preparing himself for working in society and becoming independent.  As for speaking to him, his doctor again agreed with the way we have been doing it. This part because Tim responds better and seems to thrive more.  Perhaps if his situation was different so would this opinion.

I’ve thought about this from time to time but when I saw the elation on Joni’s face while her father pushed her through the parking lot on that cart it just sealed the information into place. She was able to enjoy being a kid. It’s her body that’s 23, not her mind, not her emotions. She was thriving in this moment.

Now I think of the happiest times of Tim’s days. They’re easy to pin point.

1. Time to go bye-bye. Tim loves riding in cars.

2. Music. He can dance like no other. His signature-move we call the Lash, it’s very difficult to imitate.

3. Bedtime. He runs up the stairs laughing, arms flailing much like Joni on the shopping cart.

Tim’s night-time routine is much like a child’s and ends with prayers and song. 

It’s no secret I love to sing. I sang to my children at bedtime and now I sing to Tim. He lays down but doesn’t touch his head to his pillow until I start to sing. He waits for the song like a cue. 

I started out singing random lullaby’s when he first came to live with us. Then Tim heard the song Goodnight My Someone from the musical The Music Man and by his reaction I new this needed to become a nightly tradition. It’s “his” song. Tim’s expression during the song is priceless, it’s an expression of peace, of happiness, of enjoyment, of love. The only time of day I see that face and I love it. I love knowing that he loves it. He may not be sailing through the air, but he’s sailing in life. He’s happy and healthy. He’s thriving in his moment.

Back to 2012

 In Idaho, agencies who provide services for the Developmentally Disabled DD are required to provide activities, among other things, that are "age appropriate."   They completely missed the whole fact that we're  working with people who don't fit into normal categories.  Let me give you a hypothetical:  A woman who is 60 in years but 2-3 developmentally is not allowed to watch movies she enjoys like Disney Princess movies or Toy Story.
If she wants to watch a movie it would have to be "age appropriate".  

What's age appropriate could potentially scare and confuse or just completely bore her.  

Can you picture her watching movies laden with sex or violence?  

Now, for clarification, I'm not required to follow this in my home but I am at work, no matter our feelings about it.  If a 60 year old woman wants to play with a doll it's deemed as inappropriate.  But we can give her knitting needles or a news paper (not that we do- we're a little more creative than that).  Now, I want to clarify, I'm not including all DD in my observations.  For instance, (another hypothetical) Let's say a 25 year old young man is closer to a 9-10 year old in development.  

He understands that he's different and wants to fit in more with others his age.  

Certainly, this is a time where age appropriate is more appropriate.
 It won't matter how long I'm in this field.  

My feelings are logical, I won't change my mind on this.